Fights breakout following boring weather talk

Police have reported an increase in violent incidents across the UK as a spell of warm, dry weather comes to an end. People have become increasingly annoyed at hearing the same comments being made about the weather repeatedly throughout the day. Over exposure to people saying ‘that’s the summer over now’, ‘ooh we’ve been spoilt’…

British Gas ‘may have to go on the rob’

British Gas is likely to resort to petty theft and begging to boost its coffers a leading energy market expert has said, after profits slumped to £1.03billion. Brian Gibbs of Energy Market Experts said, “such small profits could see the energy provider resorting to desperate measures such as burglary and asking for hand-outs on the…

Media to refuse to acknowledge Miliband victory

The media have collectively agreed not to acknowledge the result of the next general election should Ed Miliband be victorious, it has been announced today. The agreement follows a similar one made four years ago when Miliband was elected leader of the Labour Party. That agreement stated that opinion polls showing anything more than a…

Beyonce and Baroness Stowell to job share

The American singer Beyonce and government minister Baroness Stowell of Beeston are to job share the government have announced. The move follows Baroness Stowell, newly appointed Leader of the House of Lords, describing herself as an ‘independent woman’ and calling herself ‘Baroness Beyonce‘. After she heard the news the real Beyonce, an expert in British constitutional…

Cameron does his best Liam Neeson impression

David Cameron tried but ultimately failed to perfect his Liam Neeson impression today. Speaking about the government’s immigration policy he drew inspiration from that bit in Taken when Liam Neeson says ‘I will find you and I will kill you’ down the phone to his daughter’s kidnappers. However, Cameron has been widely mocked for not…

Sean Bean must live forever say fans

Fans of character actor Sean Bean are calling for him to live forever. They have started a social media campaign following reports that he’s died in almost every film he’s been in. They want global medical efforts to tackle diseases such as aids refocused on keeping the professional northerner alive. Fan and Mancunian Dave Ramsbottom…