POLLSTERS: “We’re just making it up”

Pollsters have admitted that most of their poll results are made up. The news comes after pollsters were questioned as to why voting intention polls for the forthcoming general election are all over the place. A ComRes poll on Monday gave the Conservatives a 4 point lead over Labour. Just hours earlier, a YouGov poll…

Miliband to offer Kingdom of Northumbria to Salmond

Ed Miliband is to give the ancient Kingdom of Northumbria to Scotland in exchange for the SNP’s support in the event of a hung parliament, it has emerged. With official campaigning for the General Election starting today, both the Labour and Conservatives parties are aware that a likely hung parliament will require them to make…

David Cameron offers to fight Thora Hird

Reeling from heckling and abuse at yesterday’s Age UK conference, an increasingly desperate PM has said he wants to fight the long deceased actress. David Cameron has said that older people are a bunch of ungrateful sods and he wishes he’d cut their pensions in the same way he’s cut the benefits of younger people.…

DAILY MAIL: ‘Miliband shit at breathing’

The Daily Mail has launched a measured, but scathing attack on Labour leader Ed Miliband saying ‘he breathes a bit funny’, and is therefore not fit to be prime minister. In a balanced and considered editorial the newspaper said, “Just look at him, the twat. For Christ’s sake, even the way he breathes is weird.…